Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Good Bad Day

If you've been following what's happening in my world, then you'll know I've had a rough patch here and there since the first of September. This morning I woke up with a really heavy heart. My husband and I went out for a brief coffee date and on the way home I started crying. As soon as I got home I went downstairs and started to build a fire in the wood stove to take the chill out of the air primarily and also to give myself something to focus on.

There has been talk of an old rifle that belonged to my Dad (who died when I was an infant) resurfacing in the family. I had no idea it even existed. At least I think I didn't know. Maybe in the back of my mind I knew but forgot. My sister told me about it yesterday and when I realized there was a tangible object belonging to my Dad in our midst it opened that old wound or sorrow. I miss him so much sometimes I can't even begin to explain... I can't imagine what it would be like to hold it in my hands, knowing it was his.

This rifle is going to go to my nephew when he is of age and I think that is a good thing. He's taken a safety course and all of that so when the time comes, I think he'll be responsible enough to own it. He's a good kid. A smart kid.

But this sadness lingered today until I took a moment or two to be alone to really get it out. I think the topic of the elusive rifle started it all. I settled my mind and opened my heart to what was happening to me... And I thought I felt my father tell me he loved me. The more I thought about it (and the more I cried) I realized every time I start to feel separated from him it seems like this unseen force pulls me back again. I sense some strong emotional tie drawing me back to a safer place. I feel love all around me and it makes me cry cry cry.

After about ten minutes of this I started to feel much better. Lighter. Hopeful. Was it my Dad's spirit? Was it some sort of angelic force standing guard, ready to help in times of need? Was it just my imagination? I don't know. All I know is I feel better. I feel centered. I feel like I can make it through another day. Better still, I feel happy again.

As for the artist part of this blog? Well, there isn't much art happening lately. I guess there is more rant than art, but c'est la vie.

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