Friday, November 12, 2010
We are our choices. Over the course of these last 32 (almost 33) years I have taken great pride in the fact that I was able to make choices when I felt the need to do so. I bought my first car when I wanted to (after I saved the right amount of cash from a summer job). I learned to drive a stick. I had my abundantly fair shares of relationships in all ways possible. I have kissed a girl. I have been a reporter. I am a published artist, writer. I am a mother. I own my own home. I have a tattoo... I have danced on stage. I have drank myself to oblivion and tried every drug I dared to try. I am trial by fire wrapped up in a 5 foot frame. I am madness and red hot everything. I am nothing and I am everything.
Life, it seems, is asking me to take it slow. To be patient. I want to run and I am asked to stand still. It hurts so badly to stand still it feels like there is a huge mass of nausea buried deep inside of me. Maybe it is a tumor. I am worried about myself. Where is my release?
I have not been painting at all lately. I know I say that all the time but this time it is really true. I am at such a loss.
My husband is doing well at his new job. Restlessly I wait for him to take some form of flight. We fight. I cry. I wait. I stand alone. Looking out the same window. A window I love, but I want and need-I need- a change. I am an emotional wasteland. A light in me has gone out. My muse has been put on a shelf because my muse was never really mine and I have to respect that in order to respect myself.
Is this what growing up feels like? If so, I tell you, it is an awful feeling. I would rather be hurled through space not knowing where I may land than to take careful and calculated steps to somewhere. I resist the control and in the end, the resistance ends up controlling me.
This song is the only thread holding me back from losing it completely and I am not too sure what the FUCK that says about me. Paints are on the table. Canvas is on the easel. Is this the way out of the tormented hell I am feeling lately? Am I possessed or just bored? Off I go.