Friday, November 12, 2010

Empty Shell?



We are our choices. Over the course of these last 32 (almost 33) years I have taken great pride in the fact that I was able to make choices when I felt the need to do so. I bought my first car when I wanted to (after I saved the right amount of cash from a summer job). I learned to drive a stick. I had my abundantly fair shares of relationships in all ways possible. I have kissed a girl. I have been a reporter. I am a published artist, writer. I am a mother. I own my own home. I have a tattoo... I have danced on stage. I have drank myself to oblivion and tried every drug I dared to try. I am trial by fire wrapped up in a 5 foot frame. I am madness and red hot everything. I am nothing and I am everything.

And now?

Life, it seems, is asking me to take it slow. To be patient. I want to run and I am asked to stand still. It hurts so badly to stand still it feels like there is a huge mass of nausea buried deep inside of me. Maybe it is a tumor. I am worried about myself. Where is my release?

I have not been painting at all lately. I know I say that all the time but this time it is really true. I am at such a loss.

My husband is doing well at his new job. Restlessly I wait for him to take some form of flight. We fight. I cry. I wait. I stand alone. Looking out the same window. A window I love, but I want and need-I need- a change. I am an emotional wasteland. A light in me has gone out. My muse has been put on a shelf because my muse was never really mine and I have to respect that in order to respect myself.

Is this what growing up feels like? If so, I tell you, it is an awful feeling. I would rather be hurled through space not knowing where I may land than to take careful and calculated steps to somewhere. I resist the control and in the end, the resistance ends up controlling me.

... and so it goes.

This song is the only thread holding me back from losing it completely and I am not too sure what the FUCK that says about me. Paints are on the table. Canvas is on the easel. Is this the way out of the tormented hell I am feeling lately? Am I possessed or just bored? Off I go.

6 comments:

  1. Then you better not touch it. Haha! I've been wondering where you've gone!

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  2. computer issues, furious painting, lost my link to PPP, stuff like that. not gone, though.

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  3. when i get my scanner running i'll share what i've been doing.

    ReplyDelete