Sunday, November 28, 2010

Full Moon Bleed

With Jupiter in my this and Mars in my that I am full of planetary something or other. Ugh. How do I feel? Do you want to know? I feel like I am at the very beginning of everything. A decade has passed since life on this particular path began. I had a dream last night and things I did not understand came to light in strange ways. I owned an old mansion. The floor was unstable and it was no longer a nice place to be. In fact, it was horribly haunted with old memories and boxes of sickness if you can imagine...

I spoke to an old lover I once knew-in my dream. In my dream words were whispered in my ear of his character. Words of explanation and warning. The word neglectful came through--neglectful with all of its synonyms. This lover of mine was pulled from my grasp because, like some old sage inside, I wanted more than he could ever offer no matter how he stirred me. No matter how he made me feel when it was good, in time he would make me feel hopelessly bad. It is my Sagittarius nature. To want to move forward. To accomplish more. To move forward. I said good-bye and walked away and towards my husband who I could define with words like constant, protective and so on. It was not meant to be. It was not written in the stars. C'est la vie.

So how I feel is emptied out as though I am a receptacle built to hold the information of life. I have come full circle. There is nothing new under the sun and I am left with the life that started ten years ago. Trees. Children. Husband. House. Quiet. How to fill those quiet moments is my greatest challenge. Some days I do better than others. After a long drive home in a winter storm all I wanted was to see my children. Life is simple that way in the face of troubled circumstances and the lesson was not lost on me. I know God exists in the humble things of life. Home, hearth and breath and love.

What seems called for is a form of shedding off of what was old or no longer working for me in a way that made sense. I have ceased all the things I used to do save the ones that I adore... Painting. Making things with my hands and writing words that may or may not make sense. I sift through the experiences of these last ten years and I pick and chose what I want to keep. I keep the gems, the rubies, sapphires and diamonds. I chuck the moldy rocks, the stumbling blocks and the painful reminders.

Dreams have died. Triumphs are memories. Hopes have faded and acceptance has sprouted in unexpected places. Still I dream of a different life. Of better chances to be what and who I want to be. I have out-grown this town in so many ways it defies description. But this is where our life is and I am through with rocking boats. I always end up in deep deep hot water... Still I love my family and my home. Still I wonder what kind of things can be found in the ashes once the Phoenix leaves the fire.

You should not pretend to be happy if you are sad. You should not pretend you are part of this world if you are truly part of the next. The next could be defined as the future. I miss my friends more than anything. I think about them all of the time. Chords of affection time cannot break. Love circumstances cannot amend. If ever I told you I love you, I meant it. I meant it with all of my heart. And still do and always will. That much I have figured out. I know that much is true.

There is little else left to say today.
I am on the other side of a Full Moon bleed.
Rest is what I need and rest is what I am going to do now.

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