Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Then I Had Sex


I hatched a wild scheme 24 hours ago.

I dreamt these wild dreams about pursuing old desires. My desire was represented in the form of an old old friendship that I trust beyond measure. It felt good to free-fall into that relationship dynamic. In this same dream I visited my paternal grandmother one last time. She ignored me. I turned and walked away. I vowed to never give her another moment's thought as long as I live. How cold. How pragmatic. How liberating.

The dream went on. Undulating in rhythms of joy.

When I woke up I had a plan. I wanted to move to the city (about an hour from here). I wanted to go to a super-fine art school. I want to try again at that little pursuit. Ideas kept tumbling out of me like pebbles in a rough current. I felt so guilty. I felt so shamed for not wanting the life I have now. Now in the capacity in which I live it. Same four walls. Same faces around town. Same this. Same that.

I wanted to take my kids out of the public school system for a couple of years. I wanted to home-school them. Adventure-school them. Life-school them. I wanted to adopt an alternative lifestyle (to adopt a modern expression).

I wanted to turn over a new leaf with one hand while clutching the old leaf with the other. I used to take these kinds of risks when I was single and childless. It's the real me.

That was all yesterday. Today should prove to be very interesting.

I just finished reading How Stella Got Her Groove Back and though a relationship with a 21(ish) year old man doesn't interest me in particular, pursuing the things that make you happy is the only real way to live. That is what interests me. Why don't we all have that figured out by now?

In essence-I want my groove back. I do.

I liked the book. It wasn't bad.

I watched The Book of Eli with Ian last night. It wasn't bad either. Then I had sex with my husband.

The sex was good. That I can say for sure.

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