Monday, June 27, 2011

Deliberate Ignorance?



Well, it's summer time. Yes. The sun is out today for the first time in a while. I like the rain so when it does rain I feel fine. Other people get a little squirrelly but I like to make rainy days about reading, napping and baking. So, where's the bad side in all of that?

I am sitting beside the window in my studio. I am listening to Beethoven. Before that it was Fionna Apple, Guns n Roses (The Spaghetti Incident), Freaky Styley (RHCP) and a little bit of Joss Stone. Not a bad way to start the day.

Did you notice the photos in my last post? Well, I am loath to discuss it but from what I have been able to piece together our neighbor died and had been dead (and alone) for quite a while. Hence the masks and the thick red body bag and the RCMP officer (I assume). Hours after they removed the body some people came back and brought out a couch, laundry of some kind and so on. I imagine the smell was horrific. I imagine the stuff was burned. I have heard rumors the house will be torn down now. I have no idea if that is true.

This is a shocking event to witness especially since we are new to the area and never had a chance to meet him. I hear so many different things about people living here. It's a small town that has been small for decades and everyone knows everyone. So, I heard our neighbor was gay, for example. And poor. I've heard he starved to death and I've heard he committed suicide. I have no idea what the truth is. All I know is it was a sombre sight watching him exit his home for the last time. I never once saw his face. I don't even know his name.

It's a grim thing to ponder. Dying alone. Why? How does it happen? What precipitous events bring about such a sorrowful end? I can only guess. I do know, however, we are the choices we make and sometimes things turn out fairly and other times things turn out badly.

This guy's life, so it would seem, turned out badly. It makes me wish I had made more of an effort to be more outgoing. I should have baked a cake and taken it over to him. Should have could have would have.

Regret and sorrow. Solitude and despair. We all know how low we can feel sometimes. I guess I wish he would have just held on a little longer. Maybe we could have made a friend. According to my mom he was a professor at one time but despite all that he was supposedly shunned because he was gay. Could it be?

I wonder when people will stop lying to themselves. If this man was, indeed, an outcast because he was gay the only thing that really separated him from the rest of the community was that he actually admitted the truth about himself. So what?

You can mask your fears with roaring engines and fast cars, boys. You can adopt every single mannerism and colloquialisms in the whole damned world and it won't alter the truth about the things you fear. Do people here fear homosexuality. You bet. Why? Because they choose to. Why do they choose to? Because it's easier to do that than it is to try to understand someone. Or worse? Maybe it's because they have the same desires and are afraid of the consequences of living with the truth?

I'm wearing my Freedom Fighter hat today. It's on completely crooked but it is on just the same.

I apologize, dear reader, it's just... well...  a man died. All alone. Gone forever. It makes me very sad and angry too. But for the grace of God there goes every single one of us.

Being the consummate reporter I always have my camera nearby. I felt like such a jerk for taking pictures of this. At the same time I thought, selfishly, I will never have a chance to photograph something like this again. So I went for it. If you find the whole thing offensive, I am sorry. It is what it is.

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