Monday, October 10, 2011

Don't You Want Somebody to Love?


T and oranges.


I am not an uncomplicated thread. I twist around and around and around. I bind things together that usually would not go... something massive with something peculiar and something sacred with something absurd. Fire.

Blackness and broken hearts. I yearn for that sense of something. Fullness. Carry me through within an emptiness. It is so much fun watching you turn from boy to man. Strong in the ability to love and let me love. Able to hold me tightly and yet let me go. Free to wander. I think these things as I gaze across my pillow.

Beyond the physical realms I travel and I wander. Down by the river. Deep within the waters. Clear from the cold cold rain. Moonlight swaths me in silver. The light dances. I run to catch it. Store it in my memory. Make a happy mark. An imprint. Organize and document. Mixing paints in my sleep.

A love-sick song lingers. I want to feel... I can't stop wanting to know... I keep thinking about... Experience life. To see the wild dusty planes. To feel the icy grip of the northern-most winter. To dream about a kiss so taboo. I want it all too. You are not alone, I want it all too. 

And I chasten myself again again again. My spirit chides me. She knows. She knows. I only see what is in front of me. She sees all that ever was or will be. She sees a time when the warm-crimson-kiss will grace my lips and I will chance to see love blooming on the vine. Blood trickling down the spine.

I cannot keep it all inside. I cannot paint my heart forever. I cannot write it all down. What I say means nothing. The more I think the more I know I won't change. It's a craving for life. A mad desire to do this and this and this. When your heart knows about darkness you drink in the light. You open your arms wide. You dance. You dance and dance.

Colours tumble. I see textures. I see shapes. I feel these things. If I were a better person life would have a sense of linear propulsion. You can't hide what would not be there.

But so many times you come round and round and round and I am in love all over again.


Déjà vu with you with you.

My dreams are inked with black. So many many details. The traction within my mind's eye keeps time with the beating of my heart. The engine pulls. The engine sways. Mud flies and it is glorious. I want my wildness back. That is all I ask of all that I have seen. Just let me be free. Just let me feel the things I want to feel. Bring the former fire. Higher higher higher.

It is just love. Love. It feels so good to love you.
Wouldn't you want me to love you? Don't you need me to love you?


J

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