Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Down by the Riverside

My momma's appalachian wisdom streams straight from the Bible she knows and loves. She tells me what she thinks and somehow the wisdom of her words sink in. I weigh them. I know what she said is true.

I'm gonna lay down my burdens--down by the Riverside. 
Down by the Riverside. 
Down by the Riverside.

It just so happens there is a park next door. It's named Riverside Park. God has a sense of humour, no doubt.

I feel so sorry for myself though I try not too. I feel like my heart and brain have been raked by sharp claws. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. I do not cry. I cannot cry. Emotions bottle-neck in my mind. I am sunk. Sunk and sinking deeper. Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone.

When nobody is looking I make a fast run to my bed. I fall in it. I burrow under my three hundred quilts. I cover my head with a pillow. I hide. My roses on the nightstand are so whimsical. They don't judge me. My pink fluffy pillows are so soft. My stuffed-animal-frog... I clutch him tightly. He loves me so unendingly, I know he does. It's there... in his eyes. All these little ways girls find to comfort themselves. Softness. Pinkness. Flowers. Comfort from creatures... It works.

I am just too tired to fight the past. Not tonight. Not while there are so many things to look forward to. Our anniversary is two days away. Ten years. A decade. Everything gets better and better.

I am not alone anymore. I am not trying to carry this around by myself. My mom confirms the things I know to be true. I trust her judgement. There used to be a time when I didn't. But my flippant attitude towards my mother has melted away. Somewhere along the way I grew up. This is a very recent development, to be sure. I realize only a fool would shun the advice of their mother. I am not too old to learn. I am not too stubborn to allow a little direction to flow from someone who loves me in a way only a mother could. My mother. My mom. She loves me. I tell her all the secrets I've been hiding. She knows it all now. Everything. Am I like the proverbial lamb who wandered too far too fast? Did I got a little caught? A little tangled up in a mess I have no business being in? Help me find my way back home, mom. Help me. Help me. Help me.

She tells me to hold my head high. Walk down the street like I own it. Like I am the child of a King.

Something to ponder...

My husband doesn't see me under the blankets. He doesn't know I am hiding. He's rummaging around the bed, sweeping, picking up laundry (yes it's true). I giggle. He doesn't notice. I giggle again. I smile despite myself and my miserable mood. He finally sees me there. He jumps. He laughs. He falls down on the bed and he puts his arms around me and I nestle in against his neck and hold on tight. I feel a little better. I hold on and on and on. He's so solid. So warm. His arms are strong. His eyes sparkle with love for me. Despite it all... he takes me as I am. This is love. This is.

I try to get up after a while and he pulls me back down and jokes with me and smiles into my eyes and I know I am safe in this life. This world is our world and our world is home. We are in love. We are at peace with each other. We are a family.

I realize that sometimes big hurts can be easily soothed. It takes a little love. Warmth. Softness. A hiding place. Things around you that make you feel safe.

I am going to be okay. I see things for what they are, reluctantly, I do. I see people for who they are. It makes me sad to think... to think I've been naive and foolish. Again. Again. There is such a fine line between love and hate. And to think, I almost lost it all. Almost... but I didn't. I didn't. Not this time.
This time around the lesson will stick. God help me it will. It will stick like super-glue buttoned down, riveted, tied, fastened. Locked. Loaded. Drawn. Quartered.


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