Tuesday, November 8, 2011

So Prayed the Neophyte

I dreamt my Spirit Animal was a whale a few nights ago. A beautiful whale with dark grey skin. A heart-warming smile. A come hither kind of vibe, in a friendly sorta way. She was in the deep blue sea and so was I and we were alone in the vast quietude and we wondered what it was all really about.

We connect to the things we love and we also connect to the things that love us. Usually it is only people who can admit the love they feel. However, there are times when it seems like my belongings enjoy me as much as I enjoy them. Sounds stupid, sure. So does the word razzmatazz, but it used. It is used.

It's been one whacked-screwed-up week for everyone I know. Look to the sky... the full moon is coming. Bright and full and round and folks are getting a little antsy. Everyone wants to catch their wave of evolution. Everyone wants to stop being a prop in everyone else's life. I say good. I say let's figure this out. Let's figure out how we can be separated and together at the same time. I say let's test the limits of ourselves. My heart is hurting. Raw. Paper cuts and alcohol. Family and bonds. My sister is afraid she will fall off into the ether. Instead of trusting the process she wants to die. She thinks she wants to die. May she find her strength. We all need to know what our wings can do, don't we?

I had a nightmare once that she got her head stuck between the boards of a staircase. Going up. Only she was on the wrong side. In the dark with the dirt and the shadows and the bugs. It wasn't that I thought she was dead it was that I knew she was trapped. I had no clue how she got herself in that kind of mess and I did not know how to get her out. I was too small to wield a hammer. There was no hammer.

It woke me up and I was very much afraid. I ran to my mom's room and got in bed with her. She was sound asleep. I did not want to wake her up. I never told anyone about the dream. I just spent the last 33 years worrying.

I do not have a hammer. I cannot wield an axe.

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