Tuesday, December 13, 2011

My Cold Cold Heart

Sleep is so evasive. 
My heart is beating sadly.
I want you back.
So much.
So much.

I want you to come back to me whole.
I want to wake up and I want to realize it was all a bad bad dream.

You are not here with me.
With us.
You seem to be so lost.
Gone away.
Out in the darkness where I cannot save you.

I pray.
I pray.

I pray.
Sister sister sister.
Brother brother brother.

I pray.
It is all I can.
It is the only thing I know that works.


Here in Jody Land I am struggling with  myself. I am excited for this--our first Christmas in a new house. I am also feeling homesick for our tiny home we moved away from and the even tinier Christmases we celebrated so humbly there. I miss the woods. I miss the view and the solitude. I miss the cold cold breezes and the brilliant lights of the stars above. I miss the simplicity and I miss the struggle... somehow. I am feeling nostalgic and whimsical. I am feeling sad and happy. I am feeling alone and enveloped in the love of my family. I feel like I understand God yet I underestimate Him at every turn. 

So, bear with me, dear reader. I am not myself today. Times moves on and breaks my heart with every turn of the hand. Memory can be cruel. Cherished, but cruel. Just like the sea.

But-the momma bear carries on. She moves across the snow and the ice towards home because, if I allow myself to feel it, I know how much happier I am here, in this bustling community, this bright sunshine and these calm deep fall days where I cannot feel the slightest wind and when I do, it is at my back. So, far be it from me to be thankless. I just need a good cry. I mean, I need to really have a good howl and wail. 
The full moon was two nights ago. It shines the brightest through our bedroom window just before daybreak. This pleases me. It is a beautiful gift to soothe my soul.

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