Truly, it is fascinating to see how other people project their lives onto the world which is why I keep on doing it too. Someone gets something from all this, surely? Salvation from boredom if nothing else.
Here's how I feel... I've traveled a fair amount this past year. It's been really quite wonderful. What I've realized about myself is that I care a whole lot less about where I fit in on a local scale and I am much more inclined to wonder where I fit in on a universal/global scale. I guess if I don't get out and see how the rest of the world lives once in a while I tend to forget just how insignificant I really am.
I like to know how insignificant I am. I like a gentle reminder, if you will.
This town, these people, that river or the bird that just swooped past my window (singing merrily) are not the centre of it all either. We are all just intricately connected to each other. One tiny drop of rain in a vast deluge am I. A speck of debris in a monsoon of monsoons.
It makes me happy to know life carries on with or without me... in a grand sense. I realize I play a pivotal roll in my own little life. I am a momma. A wife. A friend and a sister and a daughter and an aunt and the lover of animals in a doe-eyed sort of way. But, out on the ocean of time I am a blip on the radar screen. I am just a tourist on the Island of Life. I am just another lady buying a sarong on the beach.
I feel joy in global autonomy. I am a separate being operating within the confines of my own life and my own understanding. I cannot save the world. I do well to save myself. But if someday I find that I can make somebody's life better. I will. Of course I will.
It's been bothering me lately to truly peg down, once and for all, if this artistic path is the right path or not. I care about this sort of thing quite sincerely. So, for the last while I've been really concentrating on finding answers because I am always on a tight rope, walking. I think it must have something to do with my inherent nature or my birth-sign. I seek equilibrium. Balance.
And I think I am finally at the end of this particular query. I mean... seventeen times (yes, I counted) I have had to change my creative space up in one way or another. Seventeen times I have had to reacquaint myself with myself and a new spot to paint in due to one thing or another. Life. Just life.
Some of the spaces have been fairly decent. Others have been terrible. I never stopped trying and retrying. Anyone in their right mind would not and simply could not keep going under all the changes and pressures and things I've almost driven myself crazy over if it wasn't for the true love of it. Or because it is my truest nature. The right thing to do. To enjoy. To prosper within.
I was afraid Ian would rather die than help me relocate all my art stuff--again again again. I was so wrong. In fact, I didn't even really have to ask. He must have seen my puppy-dog-eyes-about-it and knew what it meant to me. Or maybe he reads this while he is at work. Somehow he just KNEW.
Streamlining my life? I view it as a form of growth. Commandeering this space within my home? I view it as purple bubble-gum wrapped up in deep philosophy.
You see, to my way of thinking, it takes miracles for these sorts of things to work out for artists. We've had this beautiful space all along, true. It was in use for other purposes, though. A place for shoes. Dog food. Hats and mittens. What I had to do what figure out a way to share my vision to inspire everyone around me to be okay with it all. In this family of four everyone has an opinion. The younger ones speak the loudest.
So, I had to muster the courage to say: family... I want this space for me. We need to change it up ONCE AGAIN. They needed to understand my need and my vision and my desire for bright sunshine. A pretty place to work. They did and because they love me they helped me. With efficiency. Oh happy day!
They love me! They really really love me! Love love love!
It turned out to be easy to switch everything around from point A to B and B to A and so and so forth. Matter over mind and all that.
Now, I have to relearn to work in it. This is the real test. Will it work? Can I make it work? Are the creative juices flowing when I am in here? Can I paint near a window? Am I sureI know what I am doing (never)? Is it that big of a deal? No. Not really (always).
I will have to get to know myself in a new space, in this way, for the 17th time. It's a process. A patience-teaching, quiet, listening place to be. It's also a little scary.
It is a sweet sound and a sweet song. I hear it a little more clearly now that my ears are not so focused on babies. Don't get me wrong, I love babies. BUT--they require all of you. Art requires a lot of attention too. Personal attention. I am not a wonder-woman. So I had to wait a long time for this. I had to go through a lot of different things for this. I had to wait for my kids to need me a little less.
Everything is very nice.