Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Bad Medicine

I took another evening stroll last night. It was dark but there are so many lights in this town the whole thing is relative. It is so beautiful here. Such well manicured gardens. Every walking stone is perfectly in place. The hanging baskets suspended from the ceiling of the gazebo in the park next to us are gorgeous. Down the way the lights on the train that seems to be somewhere between traveling to far away places and standing still glow like a scene out of an old movie. It's beyond perfect.

I am one of these people who enjoy aesthetics. I love it when things are well manicured, lawns pretty after the patterns of a proper mowing. Gardens full of flowers, mulched to avoid wayward weeds. I am a perfectionist deep down. Imperfections in manmade structures annoy me. Crooked siding. Sloppy paint jobs.

So, it's natural that I might get overwhelmed because this house--the sheer volume of space--is intimidating me. I have been so uninspired lately. I can't think of what I want or how I want things to appear. I have a vision, but it is blurry and out of reach.

My studio space is okay. It's been really warm here. Too warm for my tastes. I am a winter person after all. I can't seem to think when it's too hot and I guess that is why summer is such a lazy time for some. For me? Yup.

I realized lately that I think I signed on to this artist's map thing too early. I am not totally prepared for people stopping by. I have no real schedule. Everything feels a bit chaotic. For that reason, I've been feeling somewhat disappointed with myself. I get so angry with myself when I agree to do things I know I really don't want to do... I almost backed out several times, but that thing that goes through an artist's mind got me... if I don't jump aboard this ship it might pass me by forever... right? Well, in essence that is not true at all. It's like a wheel and it goes around and around and around. I could have waited for the next opportunity. I didn't though. And now I am discouraged and grumpy about it.

Last week I had someone from Illinois stop in. It was not a call-ahead situation either. It was the infamous pop-in. Which I hate. I don't like feeling like at any moment someone I don't know could enter my house. I am a very private person in a lot of ways.

Summer is almost over, or half over anyway. So, I am going to just let it ride. I'll do what I can which isn't much. My motivation is waning. I've got other things on my mind. I've been reading reading reading this summer. My brain is hungry for more.

I will be a full-time student by fall. I am taking courses via Athabasca U... working towards a degree in humanities. From there I intend to pursue writing/reporting of some kind. But that's so far into the future I don't really want to peg anything down yet. I've just been in a funk. Like I've run a long long race and now I am fatigued.

A lot of my friends are having babies. In fact, a close friend of mine just lost her baby. It was heartbreaking. It leaves me feeling a bit hollow. I hate all the rhetoric surrounding the issue of birth, ultra sounds, c-sections and blah blah blah. When you love someone who has lost their baby, none of that bullshit matters. What matters is the devastating loss of life. What matters is the love a mother has for her baby. What matters, in the end, is a healthy child.

Whooping cough is becoming a problem here in NB. My kids were vaccinated when they were infants. I didn't think twice about vaccinations back then and I don't think I would now either. My mother made a point about it to me last night that some could view it as unfair to children to leave them open to risks of disease that could potentially harm them. I know whooping cough is not always that bad but it can be fatal in the vulnerable. So that's one grey area I suppose. What about tetanus? Polio? Some of the thing we vaccinate our children for are definitely fatal. Is it fair to leave them open to these kinds of risks? Polio, for example, may be all but forgotten by most people because it's so rare now (because of vaccinations) but when there is a growing population of children left exposed, eventually illnesses of this nature could potentially make a come back. I wonder what people will do then? My mother also said that people who carry on about all this stuff think they are forward thinking, but they are not. She said to consider the generations of people (my grandmother, for example) who went through all their trials to eventually develop a better way. A healthy, sensible, balanced way. My grandmother, incidentally, is someone I would trust whole heartedly on the topic. She contracted tuberculosis when she was 14 years old. She is one of the few who survived. She raised six children, lost four babies, raised another dozen or so foster children, built a home for her family with her bare hands and so on and so on.

I come from a good line of hearty women but I still miss my father like crazy.

My one major regret in life is that when I was a teenager, I let my boyfriend cut the bows off my bras. I should never have allowed him to do that. I liked my bows.

What a ridiculous bit of writing, yes? Oh well, I feel a tad less full in my mind so it's all good.

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