Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I

A Developing Depression.

I am going to talk about how my brain feels. I can feel my brain. In fact, I have been aware of the right brain-left brain thing all my life. I can feel these hemispheres at work sometimes. I don't know if I am unique in this or if I am the same as everyone else, but I do feel like I am always on the inside of my fishbowl of a head looking out at life. I don't know how I take anything in. I am so busy observing everything.

I took my brain for granted like everyone does. I would scathe. It'd be fine.

How smart is it, really, to neglect the health of mission-control? Sometimes I can be so stupid.

I know when I started to feel this sense of brain awareness in earnest. I was about twenty-two years old. I had just gotten a job at a local food processing plant. I liked the people a great deal. The job, I hated. After two days I quit. I had a huge meltdown. Crying my eyes out. I parked my car along the side of the road on my way home at the end of the second day. Out of the corner of my eye I saw an eagle sitting in a tree beside the river. The tree had been struck by lightening so it was brown, bare, dead. The eagle, on the other hand, was bright, white, majestic, and commanding. He told me it was okay to go back. Just go back and figure something else out. Or maybe he said nothing and I am slipping at this point. He represented a sign, at any rate. He said "Honey, don't fool yourself."

It was not easy to walk away from that job, but I did it because if I fell into a life where I was only using the logic side of my brain all day I would probably melt into the floor. My body would live, my spirit would die. My brain protested. Maybe it was my heart, too. I could never tell. I started to feel a sharp pain in my brain then. It was the feeling of a depression forming. I veritable rut, I'd say. It felt like a pain you want to run from.

And that was the beginning. Gears started to turn. The spiral started to move.

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