Saturday, November 17, 2012

Comfort and Joy


  I've never heard anything very good about the efficiency of student loans. As it happens, mine is lost in space somewhere. My first term is almost at an end and I'm living off of crumbs. Not really... Ian makes plenty of money (for us) these days and so I am fine. Just irritated. 

   These little delays do make me think and think and think (everyone who knows me knows I can read about 40 different meanings into just about anything). I ask myself in these moments of doubt "will this be worth it in the end?" and of course, there is no real way to know; you have to have faith, that is all. I do have faith. It's not always very strong, but it is constant. I always think about my father in times like these... I wonder what my life would have been like with the guidance of two parents. I think I turned out moderately okay as it is, but I do feel alone sometimes. Alone in that way...  It all makes me think. Marbles are on the move.

  I guess the one thing I am hoping is that my choices will offer me a sense of newness. I really want my interests to take me as far as they possibly can. I want my little-girl heartaches to be so far in the distance they cannot be remembered. I want to move forward. I want to know as much as I can about myself and above all, I want happiness. Joy. Pleasure. Peace. Either I am asking a lot or I am asking just exactly enough. It's hard to say at this point.

  My days consist of reading like crazy. Writing (with bizarre amounts of trepidation). Sleeping at odd hours. Cooking. Cleaning. Making fires. I haven't been outside much. I've been living a very quiet life. I go to the post office. I go to Glenn's Grocery store. My life is not all that interesting right now. My kids are 9 and 11. They are independent to say the least. Ian has taken over teaching them at home on his days off (he works four days on, four off). He is taking them places, academically, that I never would have. He's a very serious teacher. It's impressive and exciting! Where will these children end up? It's kind of magical to think about it. It feels like life is taking on the momentum of that little (and sometimes not so little) brook behind our house. It's meandering down to the river, taking a path of its own choosing. Things always feel a little out of control these days. I guess that is a good thing. A verdant garden requires simple things to grow... simple but essential. When those essentials are supplied, it does the rest on its own. And so it is with a family.  

  As for me? Where will I end up? I sometimes wonder if I am too old to do this or that. It feels strange that my kids are nearing their teen years while people all around me are still having babies. It's shocking to look back (and not even too far back) and realize my children's baby years are gone... just like that. That part is over. Living in a little cabin in the woods is over. Done. The life I railed against so strongly is simply a figment of the past now. My, how time does move on. But I feel the same. I still feel like me. In fact, living in this big old house is comfortable and almost too easy, in a sense. My mom's decorating is still on the walls. I haven't had to think (or worry) about the things I used to worry about living in the other house. It's warm here. No crazy blizzards. No moose. No coyotes. No solitude. No sense of isolation. No bad roads. It is lovely in a different way. 

  Nineteen years ago today I became an aunt. My 17 year old sister had a baby and he was the sweetest boy ever. He made life at home so much more bearable for me. He brought a light into my world that hadn't been there before. Now? He's all grown up. Another visual reminder that time moves on. It's unfathomable to me sometimes. Hold on to your little babies. Make the moments count. Every time a cup of juice gets spilled or they poop all over themselves or they bite the dog's ear or they pop a beetle into their mouth out of curiosity... just revel in it, mothers. It will not last forever. Let that be your comfort and your joy. 

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