You know, invariably difficult as it can be, it is a good thing to put your heart on your sleeve now and then. So, that's what I am going to do today. In all honesty, here is my life: I went shopping at a MAJOR department store. I bought myself some clothes that I knew I could afford and that might be comfortable and hopefully somewhat fun to wear. I felt like the judgement of hell was coming down on me but I wasn't exactly sure from where. I wore a dress that was too short and I was terribly uncomfortable. I must have looked ridiculous because I noticed people staring at me. Something about that rose up a little devil in me. I had to wait for the anxiety to abate before I could really relax. I know the problem is I don't get out much. Or so I've been told.
My anxiety is ridiculous. This one thing I know. I am okay with this. I want to function. Enjoy a meal. I want to wear by enormous scarf come what may. I can't always be me when I am in a commercial zone. But I love to shop. I do. I bought myself a Buddha Board. I love it. I bought Bleak House and The Woman in White. The list goes on a little bit, but I won't bore you with the details.
So, we have an amazing date, my husband and I. It was a lovely time. He's so confident when he drives these days (not cocky, not a super-hero) and it somehow makes me feel like I am on a serious date with this man at the helm. It makes me feel sexy. It makes me feel a little wild. It makes me feel a little safe.
We come home. Our house is warm. We have nice things. We have things, a lot of things. We have lots and lots of things. Art supplies. Books. Toys. Stuff. Our life is, perhaps, the modern day equivalent to lower-to-middle-class whatever whatever. Am I evil? Are we on "The Road" so as to speak?
In my spare time, I make art, as we all know. My spare time is more precious than ever because I also have to maintain my studies which I am enjoying immensely. This is the experience that I know will be the break-away from my childhood-self. This will be the light by which I can view the world as a mysterious place, albeit sad, lonely, and depraved at times.
I will support my friends in the activism though I am not sure what to do about it. If I supported everyone equally, I would have no time for myself or my family. And that's where my priorities are... my family. Is that healthy? Am I wrong to want that? Isn't raising two decent human beings a "thing" anymore?
"...Wash me and I shall be whiter than snow. "
Twice at the baptismal font I have been. I still don't feel saved in the contemporary meaning of the word, though I do feel a very close connection with God and my own spirit. It is a connection of love. This may be all I ever have to contribute to the world. As for me? I hope it is something to someone. My inner reflections tire me out. I don't know what I am doing. I am doing what my heart tells me to do. I know exactly what I am doing.
"And so it goes."
Acrylic on canvas.
Acrylic on canvas.