Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Making Art

I've had a pretty stressful summer and I've spent all of August prepping to rewrite an exam (which I do on Friday and I'll be glad to have it done with) on the theory and criticism of literature (you know I love it). I'm okay with that. These are my first world problems. May I just say, however, that if I actually end up with my degree, it will have been brought about through literal blood, sweat and tears. This makes me want it all the more. The uphill climb to keep moving in a forward direction is exhausting. I am perpetually tired, yet overwhelmingly invigorated. It's a strange mixture. Our move to the big city has served to create a comforting underpinning to my plight. Everything is old and new all at once. I feel mighty fine at times. But, the strain of the last five months has squeezed my soul into something of a contorted mess. I am unraveling it one step at a time through making making making art. I have never felt so numb as I have since Trina passed away. Nothing feels good, but nothing feels terribly bad. I don't understand these feelings (or lack of) at all. All I can do is just keep moving. Things do get better. Time doesn't heal, necessarily, but I am learning to compartmentalize my grief. It's with me and will always be with me, but I am learning to adjust to this new aspect of my make up. I've had several moments where I've forgotten that she is gone and I've almost picked up the phone to call her. That's been the hardest part.

I sit down to study, do so for an hour or two, then I paint. In a matter of a week I have created a lot of work. It just goes on and on. When I think about the amount of art I am amassing I get a little overwhelmed. What am I going to do with all of this stuff? Well, the beauty of it is that a lot of it is on paper and--worst case scenario--I throw it in a portfolio and put it in the closet. No big deal. Best case scenario? I sell it, of course.

Painting is my ever-constant friend and I am so thankful I have this outlet. I don't know what I would do without it.

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