Thursday, January 14, 2016

Catharsis II

I have never felt so lost before
And I've felt lost most of my life.

I sat in a tub full of hot water and I read to myself.

I forced myself to look at the words on the page
the thoughts in my mind circulated
and around
and around.

I am not the same as everyone else.
Beautiful things make me feel pain.
Ugly things repulse me,
but there is no pain.
This flies in the face of convention,
to be sure.

I loved and I love and I continue to love
all of the things that I ever once did.
The people
the places
the times
the memory
the dust
the idea
the thought that was never born.

Damn this imagination of mine.
Answers cannot be found.
Nothing exists to such a finite degree.
Not all things can become organized into the confines of a bedtime story.

I don't need closure.
I don't need to say good-bye.

I need to release the dream.

You can't have everything
under the sun
that you desire.
You can't.

I can't wish you back with all my denial
and all my dreaming
and all my talking
and all my research
and all my blame
and all my guilt
and all my terror
and all my sorrow
and all my memories
and all my words.

I cannot even bring you back by repeating your name.

They say you get everything you want in heaven.
Apparently, that's what heaven is for.
Apparently, that is what heaven is all about.

I don't know if I want to go there.
I have never been comfortable with overindulgence.
My tarot card, after all, is temperance.
Where does that leave me?

I dreamt of a fire in a hearth made of river stones.
It was warm and it was functional
and beautiful in an earthy kind of way.
I could use it to cook for my family.
I could use it to warm my body.
I could use it to dry plants.
I could use it to heat my house.
And that seemed like perfection to me.
There was nothing excessive about it,
save for the cottage charm.
That's what heaven would be like to me.
To me. To me. To me.

The inside of a wave is completely empty
Though water rages all around it
inside, it is quite empty.
Though it roars
and moves
and moves things
and causes great chaos
and damage,
inside it is empty.
It fades back into oblivion
though it was quite a going concern
for a time.

Water to water.
Dust to dust.
Starlight to starlight.
Back to the ocean.
Back to the sea.
Back to God.
Back home.
Born again.

Some other time.
Some other place.

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