Thursday, February 11, 2016

Biology: Confused Lady



I am eating my words and that's what I get for bragging, I suppose. Ian and I had a very bad argument today. It left me feeling so raw that I am still, hours later, barely able to peel myself off the floor, in a metaphorical sense. I don't know where this shit comes from other than to say that our personalities are so very different that it can be sunny skies one day and then all out war the next. It's pretty awful. Is it me? Is it him? Or is it... us?

I've been so insanely busy lately that I barely know what to do with myself during my down-time. This makes those wee hours of the day when we have a chance to be together sans children a little tight, a little awkward, sometimes. Yesterday, I tried to talk to him about my "feelings" and it fell flat. Nothing happened. He gave absolutely zero response. He was all wrapped up in things going on in his own life, work related stuff. Feeling rejected, of course I fumed all day long. I fumed in an entirely different way when I encountered the sexiest guy I've seen in person in a long long time (no joke... this guy was amazing and caused me to feel things I haven't felt since I was a teenager, which is awesome and terrifying all in one breath) while we were out shopping for furniture for our daughter. I don't know where this guy has been all my life, but when I encountered this total stranger, my jaw literally dropped and my hormones went into overdrive and before I could tame my imagination he and I were doing unspeakable acts on the floor of my mind. Shame. Shameful. And when you see something you want, it shines a light on what you need and what I need I don't think I am getting, but what is it I need, exactly? My husband was standing off to the side, out of my periphery. Out of my view. And this is what life does to us. We are so busy we are too busy to even see each other when we are standing right beside each other. Is the chemistry all wrong, I have to ask? How the hell should I know? I know about as much about marriage as I do about motherhood, which is to say that I only know what I know from personal experience and what personal experience has told me is that I know nothing. I don't want to have lusty thoughts for someone other than... other than him. I've gone down that road and that road splits my mind right in two because, even though I love the opposite sex in a general sense, and though I love to admire a beautiful man from afar, love and sex are something that is mixed up with loyalty and fidelity for me as well and I have my values. I have things I believe in. I am just not too damned sure my biology is co-operating. Damn. I am one confused lady. All. The. Damned. Time.

**Update (because you are all dying to know this)... My husband came home early from work and we worked it out. Meaning? A good husband knows what his wife needs and gets to it. And that's what happened. A day of intense arguing is usually a sign that there is something that needs to be "said" behind closed doors. Alone. Together. And we wrote at least a chapter last night, in the saga of our marriage. And it was damned good. Cleared my mind. Ha!

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