I took a rather long hiatus from this blog, as you may have guessed. I wanted to feel what it would be like to NOT maintain it for a while. Besides that, I have had so much to do and I was feeling a lot of pity for myself until I realized a fellow-student at the university I am enrolled in beat me by a long shot in terms of how busy busy can actually be. I've been taking 4 courses, working part-time, teaching art, and making art for my classes, and running a household, and so on and so on. I thought I was pretty busy. Then I learned about this other woman who is 7 months pregnant and enrolled in 5 courses and working full-time. Well, let's just say I've taken the dogs for several walks since I found out about her.
Do you know what I mean?
But I'd also like to point out the fact that my husband would not be able to list off the things he has done in such an itemized way in the last 24 hours, let alone the last several months and this causes me to realize that I am actually making some sort of apology for something yet-to-be-named when I try to work myself into the ground (and maintain an itemized list of said work) to prove I am worthy to? What? To exist? To take up space on the couch? To look like shit? To be sexy and oh, so beautiful? Whatever. Forget the list. Suffice it to say I now have more time to write in this blog today than I've had in a while and leave it at that. Suffice it to say––I'm good.
I've thought a lot about how this space has evolved for me. It started out as some sort of platform by which I could keep myself relevant in the realms of writing for newspapers. I did that instead of applying for jobs at newspapers. Makes total sense, right? But newspapers don't really feed the beast within me, let's be honest. That's the real reason why I've done this instead of that.
I started this blog feeling like a rather week little thing in the world. Ragged and worn down. Tired and obtuse. Yet, admittedly, so full of fight and fire I could have easily burned the whole world to the ground and built it back up again with the ashes. Fire was all through me. Such bite. Such grit. I am talking real fight.
All I can say about that is that it lead me to decide to enroll in a degree program in English so that I might understand a little more about what words are and what can be done with them. Now, here I am with a mere 12 months in all left to go and I don't sit here disappointed. I've watched myself change and if I could describe how I feel I have changed, I would say my mind has enjoyed this great sense of threadiness. A great untangling has occurred and I think more deliberately, more decidedly, more assuredly, than I used to. I am liking it. I mean, I am really liking it. It feels good.
I basically know enough to know that I know nothing, of course. Even so, my thoughts will thread themselves through the (metaphorical) needle and the needle will begin to move up and down through the fabric of my everyday life and I know something has changed. I know I am different. A spark has ignited. I know I can carry on at great lengths about what makes a good story and I look back on the times when I was studying poetry and fairy tales and whatnot, and more recently, the heavier literature, and I realize that I see words through a great prism now and I can take those flashes of light and apply them to my thoughts about the stories I have read and that's something I never used to be able to do. The implications of this are great. It's like having a well-stocked art studio and being told to just have at it. Only, the supplies are all in my head and I don't need a studio, or even a room, necessarily (don't tell Virginia I said that), to work on this particular craft. Travel (metaphorical or not) is surely in the future: traveling to the moon and back, perhaps.
In other news, I've sent some of my fiction into a publisher for the first time in my life, so...
That's the direction I foresee myself going in...
and I will write under a pen-name
and nobody will know a thing about me
and I will fade into that forest of my imagination
and I will wander there the rest of my days
and I will be free...
Goals. They're important.