This leaves me feeling massive amounts of confusion. I don't know where people find their "look" when I do well to get myself dressed for work, let alone play. I don't know where people have obtained their certain sense of self. I am still trying to figure out who I am. I don't know where people get these roaring social lives. I am usually at home living a very quiet existence. It's not unheard of for me to spend an entire evening in silence. My life is so boring juxtaposed against these things I've encountered. It makes me feel very small.
I used to feel that I had a niche in this world because I am an artist. But, every day at work, I meet
new artists. I am surrounded by them. I am no longer as unique as I once thought I was. It is a humbling thing. Yet, I would not want this world to lose the copious amounts of beauty that comprise a really interesting Instagram account. I would not want people to stop dressing up. I just know that my time on the fringe of the mainstream of all that is or was interesting seems to have totally dried up. I used to be the crazy one in my high-school. I used to be the weird girl. I used to wear the tightest t-shirts and the shortest skirts. I used to wear really good boots. Time doesn't exactly move on as much as it bulldozes over you to build something bigger and better and I feel like I am standing in rubble. Am I?
They say that if you can't beat them, you should join them. I thought about the logistics of that and I realized that it would take an awful lot of energy to even know where to begin. For example, I would feel pretty fucking stupid dressed up as a character from my favourite shows (Downton Abbey or perhaps Silicon Valley). Instead, I remind myself that there is a certain something special about just choosing, instead, to be myself. I guess that's all there is to it. I must just be myself even though I think we can all agree that being myself means being pretty dull compared to the rest of the world. Oh well. I wonder, however, if I was put in an environment where it was conducive to the well-being of myself and my family to just drop the barriers, drop the expectations, and embrace all that I have stuffed way down inside of myself in order to live this stable and predictable life of mine, if I could even handle it at this point. I'll admit it... I've toned things down a lot compared to the things I feel on a daily basis. Inside, I am fireworks. Outside, I am a slow-burn candle.
I wonder what side of the spectrum I might fall into these days, if I could cultivate a little more of whatever it is I seem to lack in comparison to the things I see online. I'd like to think there is still a bit of an edge to my personality just waiting to be called to action. It's possible. I think. I wish.
But, tonight, sitting on the couch, immersed in the knowledge that there is an entire world out there, doing shit that is much more interesting than what I am doing... somehow that's a bit daunting. It adds to my sense of despair and confusion about who I am and where I fit in. My whole life has been turned upside down in the last decade. Death, divorce, moving, aging. Things have changed, baby. Things have changed. All I can say for sure is that I think I liked it better when the internet was not around and I could bask in the glory of being the weirdest girl in my neighbourhood. I liked standing out because the background of where I lived was pretty beige. Pretty boring. But, looking back, I realize it was not hard to stand out when you lived on a country road by the river where most of the families you lived near have lived there for generations and the only thing that was new was---you. Those were easier times in a lot of ways. I wouldn't want to go back, but I sure had moments where I was blissfully unaware of how interesting the rest of the world is. I enjoyed my little fishbowl.