There is wisdom in attempting to sort out your thoughts via the written word. Doing so publicly is a questionable pursuit at best.
Even so. Here go I again again.
It is the constant pursuit of false dreams that I have questioned lately. Why is the exotic so alluring? Why is the familiar so detestable? The adventurer in me knows why. The adventurer in you does, too. The ego is also well acquainted with such things.
It's because the mundane is scary. The mundane is mundane.
But pleasure and joy are things I think we have preempted entirely by mistake in all the calculations we make about our daily lives. All of our noble pursuits are anemic and sickly.
What we choose to share and edit and share and edit is the thing that really sucks up our time and it's always showing up in the guise of something worthwhile. And why are we doing that anyway?
For me, it is to slake my insatiable appetite for self-understanding. It is what I do instead of hard drugs, heavy drinking, lasciviousness, prescriptions, or worse. It is to explore what makes me tick and to know that others will know that I constantly explore the things that make me tick.
It is stupid and dreamy and most likely immature.
I already apologized to my mother for all my teenaged lying and trouble making and what not. I did that a long time ago.
So I am free and clear.
My sins are absolved.
So I can do what I want.